The Mysterious Passenger of Flight 1009

A woman, known only as The Screaming Midriff Woman (she’s probably known by a better name, but I’m going with that one). Anyway, this is the woman on American Airlines’ Flight 1009 who kind of went crazy screaming about a guy in a green hoodie. In her words: “I’m telling you, I’m getting the f*ck off, and there’s a reason why I’m getting the f*ck off,” she yells while staring towards the back of the plane. “And everyone can either believe it or they can not believe it. I don’t give two f*cks.” What I have determined is that she likes to use the word “f*ck” a lot. More than me. Which is a huge lot more.

What fascinated me is all of the stories about the guy with the green hoodie. She sort of insinuated he wasn’t human. She added: “But I am telling you right now, that motherf*cker back there is not real.” Again, the use of that word, but now referring to one’s mother.

Which leaves me wondering if we’ve hit a stage in human development where non-humans are interacting with us, and even taking planes to travel across the country. This isn’t the first time this has happened either. If we look back about 300,000 years ago, right before country music was invented, we find the first moment when humans shared the planet with another species trying to blend in: Those evil homosapien neanderthals. Although I don’t have any records of this happening, I’ll bet a bunch of those neanderthal guys were sneaking onto the backs of planes and hiding out, hoping that no one else would realize that they were about to go extint and really needed to exit before the plane began departure. The reason we don’t have any records of this period is because it happened on Eastern Airlines, and they went out of business early in airline history.

But what do we know about this woman and this flight, involving the green hoodie guy? Well, some people claim she was drunk, but that’s just what the people who run the media want you to think. Because if she wasn’t drunk, then it’s quite possible that we have an infestation of dangerous hoodie people. And think about it. Whenever have you heard about someone wearing a hoodie and not thought that there must be crimes, or bizarre behavior taking place. I know for a fact that every time I wear my hoodie, I’m convinced that I’m going to be doing bad things. If I raise the hood, oh man, people are…